Brian, Zayne, and I traveled back to Salt Lake City in September for an embryo transfer. I was so nervous during the whole process. I can't pinpoint why. I wasn't even remotely close to this level of nervousness during the initial IVF process, so why now? Prior to the actual transfer, standard procedure is for doc to offer a valium. I took it last time, but because we had to run and catch our flight afterward, I declined this time. How bad could it be? Honestly, it really wasn't that bad. Painful, yes, but tolerable (smell the flowers, blow out the candle...). Plus, I was actually coherent and got to watch the whole procedure on the monitor. I could actually see my little babies be shot up into my uterus. So cool! After it was all over, I kept my legs crossed as tightly as I could. Being in the medical field, I know that's not gonna make any difference, but I didn't want to take the chance of them falling out! The flight home was difficult, as I was trying to let Brian hold Zayne, but being the momma's boy that he is, little man insisted on hanging out on my tender tummy. He couldn't understand why he couldn't bounce on momma's fat. Poor little guy was not happy with that. I went back to work the next day, and tried to stay busy during the dreaded two week wait.
After what seemed like an eternity, the day finally came to go have my blood drawn. I hadn't really felt any pregnancy symptoms like I did with Zayne, so I tried hard not to get my hopes up. I was at the lab first thing in the morning, in hopes of getting the results that same day, (Of course, I didn't hear anything til the end of the day.)
Negative.
But not just regular negative. Almost negative. There was a tiny amount of hcg in my system, but not much. Not enough to be pregnant. It turns out that one or both of our babies had actually implanted, but didn't survive. It's one thing to just not be pregnant, but it's a whole different story knowing that you were pregnant and it didn't last. No one could answer my 'why?' Did I do something wrong? Did I have too much stress? Did I not eat well enough? Did I weigh too much? Did I go back to work too soon? Did I not get enough (but not too much) exercise? Why did my babies die? Everyone kept saying that it's just one of those things that happens. There's no medical reason, and it wasn't anything that I did wrong. In reality, those babies were put into MY body, and I was the one responsible for them. For some reason, MY body killed them. I killed them.
So now we have two embryos left. If my body cooperates, we will try one last time, hopefully in December.
On to more happier news, our Zayner is ONE!!!! After months of planning, his party went off without a hitch, and I'm pretty sure that he had a good time. It was nice to have my dad visit to celebrate Zayne's first birthday. Seeing him and my son playing together melts my heart. Dad was intent on getting Zayne to walk by the time he left. He's pretty darn good at it now. Sometimes, the kid nearly runs across the house! I swear that there are times when I ask him to slow down and he just looks at me like "Crawling is for babies, mom!" But back to his party. Zayne had his first taste of sugar, and didn't hold back when it came to his smash cake. When it was all said and done, he was pretty much wearing his cake. I was still finding crumbs on him even after he had a bath! He loved opening his gifts, but really was more fascinated with his birthday cards than the actual gifts themselves. Crazy kid! He's so spoiled, but so loved! I'm so thankful for those who were able to share his day with us. Of course, on his actual birth day, he was spoiled some more, with gifts from mom and dad, and some from his grandma too. He now has so many toys that he seems overwhelmed, and doesn't know what to play with. And mom and dad need a bigger house! Zayne crashed hard that night, and was fast asleep by his actual time of birth, but I clicked on the monitor at 9:08 and just watched him sleep. I can't believe how fast this past year has gone. It really does feel like it was just yesterday that he was born. Every day he's becoming more and more independent, and his personality is becoming more evident. I look at him and can't help but be amazed at this little life we created, and just how perfect he really is. As long as I have my Zayner, my life is complete. He is the best gift I've ever received.
