Here we go again! Round 2!

Almost made it thru this whole process without any drama. I was so proud of myself for everything going so smoothly, and then the drama started. Thankfully it was just a little drama, easily resolved, although stressful for a moment. The first leg of my flight was canceled,causing a brief moment of chaos while I tried to find a way to get to Dallas to make my connection. Thankfully I have an awesome friend who offered to drive me, and I made it with time to spare. Whew! Brian and I had two little frozen babies left. I keep joking that if we end up with twin girls, we'll name them Anna and Elsa. I was nervous about them tho, because they're 'fair quality.' But my little ones are fighters, and both survived the thawing process. I still wonder if they will feel cold once they're born. As of this point in time, I can officially say that I'm pregnant again. Frozen transfer #2 took place this morning, and there was no drama whatsoever! I have to say that I have the best medical team behind me. They are seriously amazing. I mean, what kind of nurse gives you their cell number with instructions to call or text anytime? An awesome one! So now we wait. This will be the longest two weeks of my life, but if my test is positive, it will be the best Christmas present ever! Until then, I hope to stay busy but at the same time, take it easy. I'm sure that's where I went wrong last time. It's hard for me to just lay around and relax. There's always something that needs done. But that's what I've been doing all day today. Laying around and being lazy. I miss my kiddo and husband like crazy, but I know that it's all for the best. I fly back home tomorrrow but will be on forced relaxation thru the weekend. I guess it will be a good time to catch up on some dvr and some reading. So basically, a pretty boring post this time. Hopefully my next one will be a little more exciting!

No creative title this time.

I'm finally sitting down to edit and post the final version of this post.  I started writing this a few weeks ago, but for various reasons, haven't submitted it yet. I guess you could say that I've had a lot on my mind (understatement of the year!).

Brian, Zayne, and I traveled back to Salt Lake City in September for an embryo transfer.  I was so nervous during the whole process.  I can't pinpoint why.  I wasn't even remotely close to this level of nervousness during the initial IVF process, so why now?  Prior to the actual transfer, standard procedure is for doc to offer a valium.  I took it last time, but because we had to run and catch our flight afterward, I declined this time.  How bad could it be?  Honestly, it really wasn't that bad.  Painful, yes, but tolerable (smell the flowers, blow out the candle...).  Plus, I was actually coherent and got to watch the whole procedure on the monitor.  I could actually see my little babies be shot up into my uterus.  So cool!  After it was all over, I kept my legs crossed as tightly as I could.  Being in the medical field, I know that's not gonna make any difference, but I didn't want to take the chance of them falling out!  The flight home was difficult, as I was trying to let Brian hold Zayne, but being the momma's boy that he is, little man insisted on hanging out on my tender tummy.  He couldn't understand why he couldn't bounce on momma's fat.  Poor little guy was not happy with that.  I went back to work the next day, and tried to stay busy during the dreaded two week wait.

After what seemed like an eternity, the day finally came to go have my blood drawn.  I hadn't really felt any pregnancy symptoms like I did with Zayne, so I tried hard not to get my hopes up.  I was at the lab first thing in the morning, in hopes of getting the results that same day,  (Of course, I didn't hear anything til the end of the day.)

Negative.

But not just regular negative.  Almost negative.  There was a tiny amount of hcg in my system, but not much.  Not enough to be pregnant.  It turns out that one or both of our babies had actually implanted, but didn't survive.  It's one thing to just not be pregnant, but it's a whole different story knowing that you were pregnant and it didn't last.  No one could answer my 'why?'  Did I do something wrong?  Did I have too much stress?  Did I not eat well enough?  Did I weigh too much?  Did I go back to work too soon?  Did I not get enough (but not too much) exercise?  Why did my babies die?  Everyone kept saying that it's just one of those things that happens.  There's no medical reason, and it wasn't anything that I did wrong.  In reality, those babies were put into MY body, and I was the one responsible for them.  For some reason, MY body killed them.  I killed them.

So now we have two embryos left.  If my body cooperates, we will try one last time, hopefully in December.



On to more happier news, our Zayner is ONE!!!!  After months of planning, his party went off without a hitch, and I'm pretty sure that he had a good time.  It was nice to have my dad visit to celebrate Zayne's first birthday.  Seeing him and my son playing together melts my heart.  Dad was intent on getting Zayne to walk by the time he left.  He's pretty darn good at it now.  Sometimes, the kid nearly runs across the house!  I swear that there are times when I ask him to slow down and he just looks at me like "Crawling is for babies, mom!"  But back to his party.  Zayne had his first taste of sugar, and didn't hold back when it came to his smash cake.  When it was all said and done, he was pretty much wearing his cake.  I was still finding crumbs on him even after he had a bath!  He loved opening his gifts, but really was more fascinated with his birthday cards than the actual gifts themselves.  Crazy kid!  He's so spoiled, but so loved!  I'm so thankful for those who were able to share his day with us.  Of course, on his actual birth day, he was spoiled some more, with gifts from mom and dad, and some from his grandma too.  He now has so many toys that he seems overwhelmed, and doesn't know what to play with.  And mom and dad need a bigger house!  Zayne crashed hard that night, and was fast asleep by his actual time of birth, but I clicked on the monitor at 9:08 and just watched him sleep.  I can't believe how fast this past year has gone.  It really does feel like it was just yesterday that he was born.  Every day he's becoming more and more independent, and his personality is becoming more evident.  I look at him and can't help but be amazed at this little life we created, and just how perfect he really is.  As long as I have my Zayner, my life is complete.  He is the best gift I've ever received.

Mommy musings

I have decided that every blog from here on out will start with some type of phrase similar to this: It sure has been a while since my last post; things are just so hectic around here anymore.  It’s true.  And I’m sure that life is going to be that way for the rest of my life.  I’m ok with that, although I do wish that everything would slow down.  Zayne is growing like a weed.  Not only is he getting bigger physically, but he has a big personality as well.  I never imagined that having a child would be so much fun.  Sure, he has his moments, but for the most part, he is the happiest baby I’ve ever met.  He loves to play, and he does it well.  He’s just like his dad in the fact that he gets bored easily, and quickly moves from toy to toy, activity to activity, until he has played with everything he owns,  Multiple times.  He will dig to the bottom of his toy basket just to find one small toy, but to see the success on his face after he finds what he’s been looking for… you can’t help but smile.  He has mastered crawling, and can be from one end of the house to the other before you even know he’s gone.  He thinks that being chased is a game, and he is always darting into a room to try to hide from us.  He is also getting better on his feet.  Although he can’t do it by himself, he can nearly run when he uses his walker.  The kid never sits still!  He is on the go all the time.  ALL OF THE TIME!  He loves his puppies, and they are so good with him.  For as high strung as Camo is, he will lay on the floor and let Zayne crawl over him or pull his ears or chew on his paws, and not make a sound.  That’s usually short lived tho, because Camo will then get excited and start chasing his tail and bump into Zayne and knock him over.  I guess boys will be boys.

So I just looked back and realized that I haven’t posted since February!  Yikes!  So much has happened since then!  Zayne cut me off from breastfeeding when he was 6 months old.  I guess he just decided that he wasn’t interested anymore.  I’m sure it was probably harder on me than it was on him, and of course, once I committed to stopping, he decided that he wanted to nurse again.  Too late, kiddo.  I started making all of Zayne’s baby food, which has gone really well thus far.  He eats whatever we put in his mouth.  He loves his fruits, as well as sweet potatoes and carrots.  He’s started finger foods recently, and is getting better at it every day.  He usually ends up with more of it in the seat of his highchair than he actually gets into his mouth, but his precision is improving.  He has also figured out that he can throw his food on the floor and the dogs will come running.  He thinks it’s hilarious, and of course, the dogs love it too.  You’d be surprised by all the funny looks people give me when I tell them that I make all of his food.  They can’t believe that I have the time to prepare everything that he eats.  “It’s so much easier to just buy the canned foods,” they say.  Sure, it would save a lot of time to buy prepackaged foods for him.  But if you think about it, baby food is just pureed adult food, in a jar.  It’s not hard to puree food.  I just choose to make it in bulk and freeze it.  The crock pot is my best friend, and has definitely come in handy.  Plus, I can regulate what all goes into his food.  I do use a few spices, but no salt, no sugar, nothing harmful.  No processed food.  I think it makes it easier on Zayne too, because he sees us eating the same thing he eats.  He’s not picky!  In fact, he’s probably easier to feed than Brian is! ;)

As if life wasn’t chaotic enough, we have decided that we are ready to have another baby.  I had a phone consult with my doctor in Salt Lake, and things are much simpler this time around.  The bad part is that I have to go to Fort Worth for my monitoring, as the lab here in town doesn’t have a fast enough turn around time to keep up with my meds.  So far, we have made three trips, and have one final trip next week.  Everything is right on schedule so far!  As long as this last ultrasound goes well, we will be headed west to bring home two little frozen babies at the end of next week.  I am so ready for that day to come, primarily because I want to give Zayne a sibling.  Selfishly, I’m ready to just be done with these meds that I’m on.  Oh they make me feel awful.  I bet I’ve had maybe two non-nauseous days since starting them.  I just keep telling myself that it’s worth it.  I just pray that this next pregnancy will be as smooth as my first one was.  Especially since now I have someone depending on me.  I have to be on my game, whether I feel like crap or not.

I also hear a lot of “Don’t you think it’s too soon to have another baby?  Why don’t you just enjoy the one you have?”  In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to rush.  But in our world, the longer our babies are frozen, the more their quality diminishes.  And I’m not getting any younger.  I just know that I want Zayne to have a brother or sister (or both).  I want him to always have someone to play with; someone to share with, to fight with, to love.  While I enjoyed being a spoiled only child, I feel like I missed out on those things, and I often wonder how I would be different if I had grown up with a sibling.  On the flip side, if it doesn’t work out, and Zayne is our only child, I’m ok with that.  It’s hard for me to imagine having enough love for another person.  I know that sounds selfish, but I love that little boy so much, that I often wonder if I have enough love for another baby.  Once our kids are old enough, they will be told the stories of how they came about.  I’ve already started a scrapbook about our frozen babies.  Our kids will have unique stories to tell, and they will know just how much they were loved, before they were even conceived.  Everything I do is for them, and I want them to know that.

Well, it’s getting late, and I had best try to get some sleep.  My stress and anxiety has been quite high thru this whole process, and I’m having trouble resting.  I’m just so excited with the paths that our lives are taking us.  Although I intend to blog thru my next pregnancy, I’m sure reality will set in, and I won’t get anything written for another few months.  Cross your fingers that my next post will be a pregnancy announcement!

A break in the chaos called mommyhood! ;)

Have you ever loved someone/something so much that it made you cry?  I spend hours just staring at Zayne; watching him play, watching him sleep, watching him eat... Maybe I'm still in awe that he's actually here. I don't know.  What I do know is that he is the most perfect little person, and I love him with my whole heart.

I think I'm finally getting the hang of this "mommy" thing!  It's really not a hard job tho.  He's such a good baby!  I'm guessing that because he's such a happy baby, our next kid will probably be a terror! ;)

So much has happened since my last post.  I went back to work just before Christmas, and I really thought I was dying when I left Zayne at home.  I'm glad I had a commute, because it took a bit to stop the tears once I walked out the door.  Brian was home with him most days, but we had a couple girls come babysit when B was at work.  They even said that Zayne was the best baby they've ever watched!  That made me feel awesome, but of course, I already knew that he was the best! ;)  As hard as it is to leave him every morning, his big smile when I get home is the best part of my day.

Zayne's first Christmas was an awesome day.  He is definitely spoiled!  He had so many presents to open that he had to stop and eat and have a nap midway through opening them all.  He got a lot of books, and he loves to have stories read to him.  I try to read to him at bedtime, but anytime he's eating is a good time to read.  (He gets kind of spazzy sometimes when he's eating, but reading seems to calm him a bit.)  He also loves toys that light up and make noise.  He got one toy that has a little piano keyboard on it, and he absolutely loves it.  He will sit against one of us and kick at the keyboard to make it play, and he just laughs and smiles like it's the best thing in the world.  He's just starting to reach for it with his hands.  Maybe he'll be a musician like his momma some day!

We had an appointment with Dr. Yap for Zayne's next round of shots.  I think he got 5 vaccines over the course of 3 shots.  It was probably harder on me than it was on him.  I can't handle hearing him cry.  It breaks my heart!  Thankfully, he didn't cry for long, but he did need a little Tylenol that evening.  My little tough guy!

We made a trip to Nebraska after the first of the year, for Zayne's baptism.  I was nervous about taking him on such a long trip, but he did really well.  He slept the entire time, and then surprisingly, slept all night too! It's exhausting to be a little man!  He did so good at church too, and it didn't seem to phase him when Pastor put the water on his head.  After the ceremony, Pastor carried him through the congregation and gave him to a lady (the one person at church that day that I didn't know), symbolizing how church is his family.  He seemed content, but he must have started getting fussy, because she gave him back to us pretty quickly.  It was nice to have our friends and family present, and Zayne is blessed to have some awesome Godparents.

For the last few weeks, Brian has been at home with Zayne while I went to work, and we recently interviewed a babysitter who will watch him once Brian goes back to work.  I had hoped that I could find someone to watch him at our house, so his routine wouldn't be completely displaced, but because my list to choose from was pretty narrow, I think he's going to end up with a nice lady who runs an in-home daycare.  I was dead set against having him in daycare, but this lady watches just a couple children, and they come at various times of the day, so I guess it won't be that bad.  I just really struggle with leaving him with someone I don't know.  Care.com was my source for finding a sitter, which is nice because you can do background and reference checks on anyone you choose.  Of course, the comprehensive checks cost money, but the basic checks are free.  (And believe me, if I could afford the $300 premier background check, I would do it!)  Most of the caregivers on that site are younger, and I couldn't bring myself to hire a young person to watch my baby.  I narrowed my search down to three women, but one was in the military and had moved and forgot to update her profile, and one was allergic to animals, so that left us with Granny B.  I haven't made her a formal offer yet.  Still struggling with that part.  (And yes, I ran a background check on Granny!)  Unless we win the lottery in the next few days, she will probably be the one we choose.  And I'm sure it will kill me to leave him.  Thankfully, my job is flexible, so I hope to make my workday short when he's at daycare.

Brian and I have started discussing our next trip out to Utah.  I had never planned on having children so close together, but because frozen embryos lose their quality with time, we have to use them relatively soon.  We have 4 embryos left, so hopefully we will get at least one more baby.  When we began the whole IVF process, we had to choose what to do if we have any unused embryos.  Originally, the plan was to donate them to research, but now that I've seen Zayne, I can't bring myself to get rid of them.  I have always been pro-life, but it just didn't click in my mind when I was filling out that form.  I guess I was overwhelmed with the whole process.  Seeing Zayne made it so real.  To me, getting rid of those leftover embryos would be abortion (I know I'm opening up a can of worms here.  Please remember that this is MY opinion.).  We briefly considered  donating them to a couple who can't conceive on their own, but I can't bring myself to do that either.  I know that's selfish, but it's something I'm struggling with.  Zayne deserves to know his brothers and sisters.  There's no guarantee that we will even have to make this decision, because this next round using the frozen embryos may not work on the first try, so I may be stressing over nothing.  But if it does work right away, our family could end up being larger than we originally planned.  I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Well, mommy duty calls!  Til my next post... ;)